Survivor Story: "I still wonder if he even knew."

This story was submitted by an anonymous survivor. Contains description of sexual assault.

We want to validate this individual’s experience. Consent is continuous and cannot be given or continued by someone incapacitated, asleep, or unconscious.

When I was in high school, I got drunk and high at a party. I went to sleep in a bed upstairs around 1:00 a.m. and was woken up when a boy laid next to me. He asked, “Do you want to fuck?” Honestly, I didn’t. But I also didn’t know how to say no- so I just did.

At some point, I fell asleep, and when I woke up the red digital clock by the bed said 4:00 a.m. And he was still on top of me.

I had consensual sex! I could’ve said no when he asked if I wanted to fuck, but I didn’t. I stayed in the bed and had sex. But I’ve never felt right about the situation. I’ve hooked up with people since, and it’s always different.

I still wonder if he even knew I wasn’t there.
I wonder if he didn’t notice, how? How could you miss that?
And if he did notice, why wouldn’t he stop? Or try to wake me up?
I wonder if he cared or felt even a little weird.

Mostly, I wonder why I can’t call it a sexual assault. I know if a friend came to me with the same story I would have more empathy for them than I do for myself. Why do I feel like I’m just another woman who didn’t communicate her feelings and ended up having a shitty encounter?

If this happened in my life and I feel the way I do, how many other people feel the same way? Where do we go from here?

This hasn’t given me any answers. But it’s nice to have these questions not just be in my head.